Notebook

so I found this note book.
its just paper. but it comes with this beutiful leather cover so you can use it over and over again. I love notebooks. not crappy ones. th beutiful ones. there is something ecxiting about them.

i quit

fuck you
fuck her
fuck them
fuck that
fuck this

because when you talk to me
properly
and we talk
and you talk back.
well I'm just happy :)
but that makes the rest of the time seem pretty shit
when I said this was what I wanted...
well I was joking
I only feel good at two times of day
talking to you and cus you dont want to talk to me...well it's hard,
and riding
and the fucking rain wont fucking stop

fuck this

L O V E

my breath of fresh air

the strain

that stess

it doesnt fade away

but it does loosen

and suddenly

it seem less important

i have my own drug

and its perfect

and i wont share

because you will never understand this

i dont no who you think you are. but your not my friend. not anymore

dont you fucking dare.

dont walk in here and think you can no shit about me.

because you very ask

you never care

as if you would

i used to look at you

with a group of people

and think

wow

why did you choose me

why from all these people do u look at me

why do you smile

why do you tell me things

why do you trust

and now i can look bad and see

because im an idiot

because there was no where else

because you knew i would smile back

because you think there is no one i could tell

because i listen

because im all that was left

its like your in a shop

and you drank all of you favorite soda

and there was only one can of some crap left

so you chose that

because you needed it in you hand

to look cool

thats me

the crappy little fruit juice

dont pretend you know me

you dont know shit about me

my hopes my dreams

my hates my fears

you dont know i had a convosation with my dad

for 30 minites

about why grapefruit was called grapefruit

and it was fun

because i love my family

and id rather tell them the truth

and not have to lie

that have wat you call "fun"

because for me

that not always fun

sometimes

not always

i dont think it cool to be cool

i think your lame

when you try and act cool

becuase cool isnt being a rebal

isnt hateing

and failing

and saying it fine

"because i didnt try"

i think your lame

i dont like you

not at all

i dont agree with wat your doing

your not a nice person

not at all

and i dont even know if i mean that

your a lame joke

your a lame joke

that the best i have

thats all i can come up with

i quit

i give up

i give in

i accept all th truths

we will never have anything again

and ipromise ill never try

not once

cus ill just fall and get hurt

again

cus ull just come in and the its gone

anything i had built up

any fragile wall

is gone

so ill stop now

for me

for for you

but no for her

i hope she feels the pain of rejection

cus thats all i can make her feel

no love

no joy

no surprise

no nothing
and when you read this

im pretty sure ull read this wrong

so stop

and think again

dont you ever miss me

the way we used to be?

but its ok

cus i dont miss you

Worble

i love that word

it sounds so

ROUND

My life is a mess

A fucking mother fucking mess

My friends – either they hate me…they stab me in the back…they can’t seem to remember really important things … or they are to far away, even when there just down the road.

My family – fucking hates me. You may think I have a good family. That we love each other. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No. we are a mess. My mum hates my dad who loves my mum who also hates me but loves my fucking perfect little brother, who love my mum and dad but hates me and sport. Which makes my dad bitter, because he loves sport and I’m the only one who has any interesting it. I’m the one he taught sport to and played ruby with. Not the perfect son. Who it turns out is a bullying wimp who hits kids at school it they up set him or he cries so he has to see a consoler. Or however you spell it. Oh yeah another thing. I’m never good enough for my mum. My mum the fucking editor! Spelling is what she does. and its what i cant do

then theres boys. im really fucking like him

i think

i just want be near him always and always. not doing anything just being with each other.i dont care. but of course i can never ever tell anyone that. appart from yous :)

i like to kill my self through him. Jemma go out with him. tess go out with him. charlie go out with him. i will just sit backand watch myself bleed. yay.

me. seeim just a bit...alot screwed up.

i wish i could let you into my head.its a turly horrible repulsive beautiful stunning place. its so twisted. you never begin to understand. i am the most two sided person. i enjoy small fights. im a coward. ill hide from my problem. i get so angry over nothing at all. and sometimes i forget not everyone is as twised asme so i dont understand there actions. if the world was fullof peoplelike me...well we would be screwed

Riding. you know thereis a reason i dont talk about it on here. i like to keep it seperate. its more perminate than the problems here. so its specil and i dont want to share its magic with you because, well, i dont really know if youll understand.

but im just gonna say one thing. if im ever mean to you, if i make you feel bad,if i hurt you in anyway, well i hope it makes you feel better to know, for every time i hurt some one, i hurt myself a hundred times for it. for nothing. for tiny things.i rip my selfup on the inside and (**t)

i hope it makes you feel better. i dont need to be 'got back" ill always hate me, cus well...im two faced aye?

?

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ASKING MARKS

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can people be places?

can a person be you home?
can you think about that?
can your home, be a person?
or a thing?
or...a future?
I don't know.
I hope so though

Hmmm

wow.

looking back on what I said last night...

I think I was a little sleep deprived...

Hmmm

oops.

well yeah

it was a ramble

Friends

who am I?

who do you think I am?

those few important people who read this.

Because dears, well you two?

you the best

your my top two.

so I'd really like you to tell me

who am I?

Because well...I've been thinking about it a lot lately

and there are different versions of me.

with Anna, well I think we bounce of each other. I borrow your energy.

I think I've told you that before? I like that me

its happy

its free

and god, I laugh.

With Lily? I think I'm calmer...something. sometimes I'm pissier.

but really, its only because I love you :) and I wish you loved me back :(

but I'm...much cooler when I'm with you.

or I feel much cooler, not that I'd ever be cool...but whatever Trevor.

With Charlie...we have a thing. very strange, but it works

Tess. Tess :) love the child. she makes me crazy. but so different from Anna crazy. not complicated interesting hilarious crazy. but spin in circles fall over laughing crazy.

fun child.

Now I wonder.

do I change people when I'm with them?

or am I just a weak freak who bends and has no true form?

do I change you?

I doubt it.

anyway I'll shut up and stop rambling on now :)

and Anna, you always win :))

ANNABELLA

I miss you

fuck I do dear

but

my mums banned me from facebook,

on threat of know riding,

and my phone has given up on life (I know how it feels)

so please

please

please

call me

because I'm around this weekend?

are you?

I love you

fuck I do dear

well im still pissed off at you

so yup

suck it up

cus u had to go and ruin my night

THE MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER by A.B. "Banjo" Paterson

There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around That the colt from old Regret had got away, And had joined the wild bush horses - he was worth a thousand pound, So all the cracks had gathered to the fray. All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far Had mustered at the homestead overnight, For the bushmen love hard riding where the wild bush horses are, And the stockhorse snuffs the battle with delight.
There was Harrison, who made his pile when Pardon won the cup, The old man with his hair as white as snow; But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up - He would go wherever horse and man could go. And Clancy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand, No better horseman ever held the reins; For never horse could throw him while the saddle girths would stand, He learnt to ride while droving on the plains.
And one was there, a stripling on a small and weedy beast, He was something like a racehorse undersized, With a touch of Timor pony - three parts thoroughbred at least - And such as are by mountain horsemen prized. He was hard and tough and wiry - just the sort that won't say die - There was courage in his quick impatient tread; And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright and fiery eye, And the proud and lofty carriage of his head.
But still so slight and weedy, one would doubt his power to stay, And the old man said, "That horse will never do For a long a tiring gallop - lad, you'd better stop away, Those hills are far too rough for such as you." So he waited sad and wistful - only Clancy stood his friend - "I think we ought to let him come," he said; "I warrant he'll be with us when he's wanted at the end, For both his horse and he are mountain bred.

"He hails from Snowy River, up by Kosciusko's side, Where the hills are twice as steep and twice as rough, Where a horse's hoofs strike firelight from the flint stones every stride, The man that holds his own is good enough. And the Snowy River riders on the mountains make their home, Where the river runs those giant hills between; I have seen full many horsemen since I first commenced to roam, But nowhere yet such horsemen have I seen."
So he went - they found the horses by the big mimosa clump - They raced away towards the mountain's brow,  And the old man gave his orders, "Boys, go at them from the jump,  No use to try for fancy riding now.  And, Clancy, you must wheel them, try and wheel them to the right.  Ride boldly, lad, and never fear the spills,  For never yet was rider that could keep the mob in sight,  If once they gain the shelter of those hills."
So Clancy rode to wheel them - he was racing on the wing  Where the best and boldest riders take their place,  And he raced his stockhorse past them, and he made the ranges ring  With the stockwhip, as he met them face to face.  Then they halted for a moment, while he swung the dreaded lash,  But they saw their well-loved mountain full in view,  And they charged beneath the stockwhip with a sharp and sudden dash,  And off into the mountain scrub they flew.
Then fast the horsemen followed, where the gorges deep and black  Resounded to the thunder of their tread,  And the stockwhips woke the echoes, and they fiercely answered back  From cliffs and crags that beetled overhead.  And upward, ever upward, the wild horses held their way,  Where mountain ash and kurrajong grew wide;  And the old man muttered fiercely, "We may bid the mob good day,  No man can hold them down the other side."
When they reached the mountain's summit, even Clancy took a pull,  It well might make the boldest hold their breath,  The wild hop scrub grew thickly, and the hidden ground was full  Of wombat holes, and any slip was death. But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head, 
And he swung his stockwhip round and gave a cheer,  And he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down its bed,  While the others stood and watched in very fear.
He sent the flint stones flying, but the pony kept his feet,  He cleared the fallen timber in his stride,  And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat -  It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride.  Through the stringybarks and saplings, on the rough and broken ground,  Down the hillside at a racing pace he went;  And he never drew the bridle till he landed safe and sound,  At the bottom of that terrible descent.
He was right among the horses as they climbed the further hill,  And the watchers on the mountain standing mute,  Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely, he was right among them still, As he raced across the clearing in pursuit.  Then they lost him for a moment, where two mountain gullies met  In the ranges, but a final glimpse reveals  On a dim and distant hillside the wild horses racing yet,  With the man from Snowy River at their heels.
And he ran them single-handed till their sides were white with foam.  He followed like a bloodhound on their track,  Till they halted cowed and beaten, then he turned their heads for home,  And alone and unassisted brought them back.  But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot,  He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur;  But his pluck was still undaunted, and his courage fiery hot,  For never yet was mountain horse a cur.
And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise  Their torn and rugged battlements on high,  Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze  At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,  And where around The Overflow the reed beds sweep and sway  To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,  The man from Snowy River is a household word today,  And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

Clancy Of The Overflow

I had written him a letter which I had, for want of better
Knowledge, sent to where I met him down the Lachlan, years ago,
He was shearing when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him,
Just `on spec', addressed as follows, `Clancy, of The Overflow'.

And an answer came directed in a writing unexpected,
(And I think the same was written with a thumb-nail dipped in tar)
'Twas his shearing mate who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
`Clancy's gone to Queensland droving, and we don't know where he are.'

In my wild erratic fancy visions come to me of Clancy
Gone a-droving `down the Cooper' where the Western drovers go;
As the stock are slowly stringing, Clancy rides behind them singing,
For the drover's life has pleasures that the townsfolk never know.

And the bush hath friends to meet him, and their kindly voices greet him
In the murmur of the breezes and the river on its bars,
And he sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,
And at night the wond'rous glory of the everlasting stars.

I am sitting in my dingy little office, where a stingy

Ray of sunlight struggles feebly down between the houses tall,
And the foetid air and gritty of the dusty, dirty city
Through the open window floating, spreads its foulness over all

And in place of lowing cattle, I can hear the fiendish rattle
Of the tramways and the 'buses making hurry down the street,
And the language uninviting of the gutter children fighting,
Comes fitfully and faintly through the ceaseless tramp of feet.

And the hurrying people daunt me, and their pallid faces haunt me
As they shoulder one another in their rush and nervous haste,
With their eager eyes and greedy, and their stunted forms and weedy,
For townsfolk have no time to grow, they have no time to waste.

And I somehow rather fancy that I'd like to change with Clancy,
Like to take a turn at droving where the seasons come and go,
While he faced the round eternal of the cash-book and the journal --
But I doubt he'd suit the office, Clancy, of `The Overflow'.

its sad i can tell you

i want to

but

but

but

youve got so much going on

i cant dump this on you

im sure i do anyway

but really

you cant hold me up

and i dont expect you to

you cant be a superhero

i

yeah

anyway

im sickkkkk

sickkkkk

sickkkkk

that why im so pissy

but why is everybody else pissy?

hmmm?

dear Lily

i want to be right

and maybe thats why i argue with people

or maybe its not that everybody hates me

maybe its that i hate everybody

and those stupid few who dont run away wen they see the danger

whos animal insticts are working right

they hang around

and i will try to make them hate me

not on perpouse

that just the way i am

i push those i love away

im so very sorry

you wanna no why im so pissed off?

today i had i fight with one of my friends

and you no wat she said?

"maybe me and tess are just closer than you and anna will ever be. she couldnt even be bothered to get on th bus! we all think shes imagiary" and she laughed

and i said

"u'll see. shell be on the us 2day. u'll see how close we are" and i really though theyll see and anna will make me happy

and then seconds later u texted me with some lame ass excuse as 2 why you couldnt fucking be bother to catch the bus

i am so hurt

and you cant even see it

Henry

i miss him

like i saw him once

and now i keep on looking around wishing he was here

thats really bad

isnt it?

spinning in the rain

yesterday i went down to the park

and i went into the rain

and i ran around and around and around

and then i span

and the horizon blured

it was fucking awesome

i dont know who to trust anymore

who to talk to

ive hurt everyone

or someone close to everyone

ive betrayed everyone

ive ruined my chances of ever

haveing a good life

cus everyone hates me

now

and nobody want to be my friend

unwanted unneeded

you my not think i but deep down everybody hates me

just a little

expically me

are you mad at me?

ami just some annoying little child youve grow away from?

well dear you need to tell me

thats all

then ill fuck off all you like

but please

pretty please

let me into your head!

not you anna dear

i wish i knew

what to say

and what to do

to let you know

you can

talk to me

treat me

like you used to

what changed?

are you even talking to me?

scream and yell and tell me im ruining your life

mother

tell me im a failier

and i should just give up,

and maybe give me brother a chance

im crap

im lazy

i just dont care

that im ruining your life

that im ruining your marriage

that i make you miserable

that im sloppy

that im stupid

that i just dont care

do i

do i

do i

do i

DO I

but know this mother of mine

ill never forget this

hate

and ill never

ever

forgive the hurt youve caused me

but ill love you none the less

.

my life

is feeling pretty shit right now

for no apparent reson

apart from every area having something wrong with it

so i just wanna say

thankyou anna

thankyou so much

for making me laugh

till i cry

and always brightoning my day :))))

so tomorrow

its school

i wonder

how it will feel

to see everybody again

cus i didnt really see any off them

i kinda dissapeared

and i like that :)

cus why would i want to see theese people

they represent

sadness

and meaness

and hatered

and stupidity

they embody it

why would i want to see them?

they are school

there not my real friends

there people i was put with by accedent

and a very few of them

just 3 infact

i happen to love

very dearly

and hold oh so close to my heart

but you see

the thing about theese 3

specieal people

is that they have someone else

im sure

they like me too

well i hope

but because of that

it doesnt make it worth seeing all th others

]getting through all th crap

not now

maybe later

but not now

never now

not ever now

but you know

its that stupid govermant again

trying to educate us

well dearies

there obviously not doing a very good job eh?

i wonder how they'll treat me

those

3

there yelling

but silently

there yelling

with sighs

and yelling

with looks

and turns of th shoulders

i wish theyd stop yelling

damn, post 70...

so

its like

weird

cus

well really

its cus

its like

I don't exist

its like

apart from when im riding

im always doing something

and when im doing something

im not me

im somebody else

doing something else

and so

i feel like

in this move

this huge clutter of boxes

ive been packed away

and me

the me that matters anyway

has been folded up

packed up

in one of th boxes

ready to come out when everyone's calmed down

and there ready for me again

but I dont think they will be

not for a while

because you see dear

at my house

its hell

I have to be blank

I have to be this shell

so I can avoid being yelled at

I'll be yell at for sitting here

doing nothing

so im going to pack my self away

under my bed for a while

it'll be better for everyone

you'll see

a house is a house right?

is just the people who make it speicil

its us that have made it what it is

its just a shell, holding our love

a nest for it to grow in

a nest of happiness and love

i hope

and all the things

with menories atraches to them

there specil

but th hourse with out us]

is it specil?

no it just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

just a shell

<3

but god, i love this shell

im sorry. i expected to much didnt i?

yet again? i shouldnt have though ud understand

nobody ever does

i dared to hope

stupid aye?

its not about that

i really want to come

to feel the heat rush over me

i love getting lost

just the music and my boddy and

th crushing other bodies the power and

heat

its not that at all

its them

they take away from it

people who dont get it.

or dont seem to get it

and that there there

yes ill atmit it

im a selfish bitch

and i want u all to my self

happy?

do you ever look in the mirror and not reconise myself

i do...all th time

it not like i expect to be fatter or thinner all taller or prettier or uglier or anything at all like that

i just dont reconise my self sometimes

and for a second tis like whos that???

and then i relise it must be me right? because it a mirror and thats what it does

but i dono

its like my face isnt quite right

or my hair

something

i dono

i wish i knew what i looked like on the inside

and no i dont mean guts and shit

i guess i mean like my soul

but that sounds weird

..i dono

does that ever happen too you?

i dont no i if i like anyone or not

i would no if i did right?

i would know i would

its been so long though

and i was always weird

maybe...

maybe if i try it out itll get better

or maybe i should just stay at home :)

thats wat ill do

if i called out

if i called out

right now

in need of help

in need of love who would come

no one

thats who

my "friends" and busy

my parents have gone on holiday

even my brother has a life

sad?

i think so

but i love being bye my self

best feeling in the worl

when you can sit and think

and need know one else

be happy in your self

oh god...i have been left alone with the ealderly insane

i dont want to be old

not ever

haveing my granparents here is scary enough

surly if you were if you were old you would want to live every second of life?

but they take naps

i dont want to be old

when your young you get steriotyped

thin fat pretty ugly diffrent reble and then you

middleageded - biusness person mum dad hopeless case single divorsed

and then suddenly horrible

you old

thats who you are

it you

old

the same

just old

all old

im so scared

not of death

that doesnt bother me

why run there is no way to stop that

prolong life sure

but death is comeing

always

im just scared of the horribe incomitantce that comes before death

thats not always